Fruits– we’ve all eaten them. But where some of them make us salivate, others may make us gravitate towards steep ravines. Assembled below is a ranking of various fruits ranked by tiers of the quality. Not every fruit is included, but the fruits that I believe tipify their tier are.
Turbo Ass Death Tier: Papaya, Red Delicious Apple
Safe to say that if I were one of these fruits, I would slit my wrists and let my disgusting juices leak out into the dirt where they wouldn’t affect the tongues of any creatures besides rats and small worms. Let’s address them one by one.
Full credit to the satanic individual who gave the Red Delicious Apple its name. Good one. You really had us in the first half not gonna lie. The so called “Red Delicious” apple may constitute the greatest misnomer in of all time. I remember vividly the first time I sunk my teeth into one of these apples as a kindergartener– I was expecting an experience somewhat in line with that which the name of the fruit seemed to promise me, and let’s just say that I was bitterly dissapointed. Eating a red delicious apple is like eating asbestos that some evil witch conjured into an apple-like form. They are sour, tough, and terrible. Do not bring them up around me.
Papayas are somehow just as bad, and I somehow feel just as betrayed by them. If you haven’t eaten a papaya you might think that they sound cute, and exotic, and whimsical. You are in the matrix. That impression is the result of minion propaganda which you have swallowed uncritically, like a baby being fed soup. The Minions, that is, Gru’s minions, are always bangning on about papayas with their cute voices, their cute yellow tic-tac bodies and their cutsey overalls. It’s a scam. Eating a papaya somehow feels like eating a mushy rockmelon, imbued with the flavour of a stinky sock. Not to mention the prep needed to extract the guts of papayas before eating them. 0/10 would not reccommend.
Neoliberal Capitalism Tier: Lychee, Rockmelon
The fruits of this tier have been compared to neoliberal, capitalist society because, like said society, they are obviously and fundamentally flawed, but many of us have decided to live with them anyways. Where the fruits in the previous tier might rip the tongue out of your mouth and explode it with bombs, these fruits will tell it myths about aspiration and hard work, whilst continuing to subject it to the same soulless, fruitless labour. That said, let’s start with the lychee.
Lychees are not real. You are not real. Nothing is real. People who claim that lychees are enjoyable fruits are the most obvious victims of the third face of power (see Steven Luke’s book, Power: A Radical View) that I have ever seen: they are blue pill eaters; however, the propaganda here is not clearly identifiable, like the minion propaganda of yester-fruit. Lychee propaganda is more subtle and ubiquitous. It prevents people from even considering that there might be better fruits out there. It keeps them peeling, peeling, peeling away, and chucking out stone after stone, clinging on to the tiny bit of sweetness that the lychee lets them keep. There is more out there. You don’t deserve this.
Rockmelons are also literally a tool of the state. They are the machine– rage against them. Big Fruit Salad fills its cups with rockmelon upon rockmelon because it’s cheap, and a bit crap, but they know that people will put up with it. It’s time to stop. It’s time to take the sign down from the window (see Mark Carney’s address to the Davos World Economic Forum), and admit that rockmelon is MID. Rockmelon is carried by its nominal relationship with watermelon: THESE ARE NOT THE SAME FRUITS. Watermelon is sweet, and lighty, and dances on your tongue. Rockmelon is tough, and heavy, and not very sweet. It is an inferior substitute, given to us by the capitalist overlords who think we can’t tell the difference. Wake up.
The Specialist Tier: Pomegranate, Passionfruit, Dates
Let’s keep it a buck: these are not fruits that you can sink your teeth into. But that does not make them bad fruits. They have their contexts. They are usually better as ingredients than stand alone fruits.
Pomegranate is hard to eat to the point of whimsicality– it admits that it is difficult to eat, and doesn’t shy away from it. Where lychee defenders will pretend to you that “no it’s not really that annoying to peel and de-stone all 30 of these lychees”, pomegranates are open about the fact their they’re a bit extra, and it’s part of what makes them cool. A little bit of pomegranate here and there is the spice of life. But they’re too niche to be rated higher.
Passionfruit is similar, although a bit better. I feel harsh relegating passionfruit to this tier, but it is simply the case that eating passionfruit is too much of a process for it to be any higher on this list. Where passionfruit cooks, it COOKS: Passionfruit yoghurt and desserts are buss. Passionfruit is well above lychee because, again, no one pretends that passionfruit is some incredible snack-fruit; also, the reward you get for eating a passionfruit is much greater and more colourful and more interesting.
Dates are being carried here by their participation in sticky-date pudding, which is one of the best desserts known to man. A little biased perhaps, but what are you going to do about it. It’s my blog.
Solid Tier: Apples, bananas,
These fruits are good rotation options, but not great or outstanding. I will never be unhappy to eat one, but I won’t often consider them a treat. They work hard and are the backbone of fruit-ciety. Blue collar fruits.
Zinger! 